just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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