she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
