you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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