i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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