I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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