I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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