I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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