John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
