It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
