if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
that's an acceptable place to lick
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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