I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
