I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
