I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A bitchslap is in order.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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