I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
