Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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