her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
