I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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