and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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