Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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