Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
