Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
