So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
