I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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