not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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