Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
