dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
