Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
