i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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