Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
