when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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