I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
