fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's like iHOP with fire
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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