Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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