I think my vagina is haunted
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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