this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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