The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
