saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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