I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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