Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
