Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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