I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I bet he comes in French.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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