So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
