There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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