just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
