Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
