I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
