Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
