hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
