M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
