I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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